February 2010
197 posts
4 tags
Please fire me. The dude I sit next to eats three bags of peanut M&Ms and four cans of Diet Coke. Every shift. Every day. Forever.
6 tags
Please fire me. My boss informed me that because of the friends I keep at work, my bonus/yearly evaluation is in jeopardy. How old am I and how did you become my parent?
7 tags
Please fire me. My boss chose BBQ chicken and pork for the company holiday party menu. I’m a vegetarian.
5 tags
Please fire me. I have been on vacation for two days and have recieved five work-related calls at home. One was to ask for the company fax number so she could have a personal fax sent to the office.
4 tags
Please fire me. The guy that sits next to me offers me bites of his sandwich and requests to “flesh it out” every time he needs to discuss something (upwards of 8 fleshings a day).
5 tags
Please fire me. My co-worker says, “Right on” and “No doubt” every time he checks a guest in, who all have more money than any of us ever will. Once he referred these guests to a restaurant which is “off the chain”.
4 tags
Please fire me. Somebody just brought their newborn in and the cooing is making me ill.
3 tags
Please fire me. I wish I had some place else to go. I am sorry the economy is ashes. If it wasn’t I would have gone long ago.
5 tags
Please fire me. We were so busy with customers and a large catering order that I went my whole ten-hour shift without being able to make it to the bathroom to change my tampon.
6 tags
Please fire me. I not only work with my boss’s wife, who plays Facebook Scrabble all day and says things to customers like “I don’t know, I’m just sitting here today,” but I also supervise her best friend, who we affectionately refer to as “The 2nd Wife”. The 2nd Wife has never actually taken one of my “suggestions” on how to do her job better or shown up for a single training session.
5 tags
Please fire me. My boss spent a half hour standing around telling me all about cheating on her husband and getting pregnant with someones (she doesn’t know whose) baby, while I tried to work. She then asked me if I was a virgin and told me to party, its tons of fun. I also found a syringe while cleaning behind a cabinet the other day.
8 tags
Please fire me. I recently shot a trial story for the television station I work for. It was a 19-year-old woman who let her infant daughter lay untouched in a crib for two weeks until she died. The house had six inches of trash wall to wall on the floor, swastikas and pentagrams on the wall written in human waste, and more than 200 empty beer cans. Review of the receipts found in the...
9 tags
Please fire me. Almost all the other women at my job were laid off one day, except me. Then my boss told me that I’d “have to hold up the beauty end” of the company. I have a college degree and 10 years of work experience.
4 tags
Please fire me. In a speech to the office, my boss explained, “When it comes down to it, what really matters is how you look. And that’s not just true in business, that’s true for life.”
4 tags
Please fire me. My boss asked me if I did Kegels.
5 tags
Please fire me. My grandfather died recently, and I left work the morning he died, came back to work the very next day, and then I proceeded to take of two days for the wake/funeral. When I returned, the GM asked if my grandfather was dead for sure, and wouldn’t be coming out of the ground so I wouldn’t have to take off more days from work.
3 tags
Please fire me. I work with Unitarian Universalists.
4 tags
Please fire me. I told a joke to some co-workers and as we were all laughing, our brain-dead creative director, who happened to be walking by after the punchline, just saddled up to us and started laughing along.
7 tags
Please fire me. My manager was disgusted at the fact that our security guard urinated on the seat of our only toilet. There were no rubber gloves, so Manager decided to clean it himself. With fire.
He poured all sorts of cleaning agents on it: Lysol, Windex, Ajax. None of these products are flammable, apparently. A small group gathered. From the back, someone said, “Here, try this,” and...
6 tags
Please fire me. My department manager goes days on end without talking to me, or even cracking a smile in my direction, then out of nowhere leaves us fun size candy bars to snack on. The next day she gave us a lecture about eating in the department. We all liked her better when she didn’t talk to us.
5 tags
Please fire me. My boss fired my friend because she didn’t smile when our boss walked in the room.
4 tags
Please fire me. I clean out my desk and computer at the end of the each week, just in case I never come back.
4 tags
Please fire me. I had a co-worker ask me if I was getting any “beaver action” this weekend.
7 tags
Please fire me. I work at a slaughterhouse. I have seen hell and it is the rendering division, with it’s intestine bins, paunch, rotted meat, tendons, spinal matter, blood dryers, bone crushers and silo’s filled with tallow.
Fun fact: Marshmallows are made from rendered animal fat, hooves, bone marrow and sugar. You are welcome.
The slaughterhouse is in Canada and 30% can speak English, 15%...
4 tags
Please fire me. MY BOSS WRITES EVERYTHING IN ALL CAPS. SHE SAYS IT’S EASIER THAN PRESSING SHIFT EVERY FEW WORDS.
6 tags
Please fire me. I’m a communication major graduate who has never had any pets, and now I work in a pet hospital as a receptionist. This week alone, I’ve scheduled 13 euthanasia appointments, walked through six anal gland expressions, and let the shark in the lobby tank that I feed each morning know the taste of human flesh. Some economy.
6 tags
Please fire me. My boss looks like Captain Lou Albano and sounds like Don Corleone. His boss looks like Adolph Hitler and sounds like a chipmunk.
7 tags
Please fire me. The admin assistant talks about getting tattoos (but never gets them) and every three months she does her hair however Pink does it. She’s almost 40 years old and has such intellectual quotes as: “I’m so baaaaad!”, “O no u DI’INT!” and “I ain’t scurrrd.”
Plus, her crazy insecure husband works here. He told everyone at the office he was going to kick my ass for sleeping...
8 tags
Please fire me. I work for an extended warranty company with a bunch of adult potheads. They go to the garage of our complex to smoke throughout the day. They flick their cigarettes, still burning, into their ashtray. This sometimes lights it on fire. They don’t know how to tell time so are late every day if they even show. My supervisor makes 6,000 dollars a month and leaves at 11:00 am for the...
5 tags
Please fire me. My boss comes in at 9am every day, but when it snows 14 inches he comes in at 7 to catch everyone coming in late.
4 tags
Please fire me. I walked in on my boss having sex with a co-worker and was told, “If you value your job you’ll keep quiet.”
5 tags
Please fire me. My co-worker’s daughter and grandchildren come to “visit” for over an hour at a time. The kids think the red ball on my roller mouse is “pretty”, and I must lean protectively to keep them from touching my keyboard. If I say anything like “don’t touch” or “That’s not for you to play with,” I get dirty looks.
3 tags
Please fire me. I was invited to a meeting to discuss the fact that there are too many meetings. Is this a sign of the Apocalypse? Would it be appropriate to wear a tin foil hat to such a meeting in order to avoid vanishing from this plane of existence into the paradoxical universe of oxymoron-land?
5 tags
Please fire me. The guy in the cube next to me likes to talk to his wife on the phone and tell her that he’s gonna “doodee” on her chest.
6 tags
Please fire me. A co-worker just found out her father died, and when she told this to our boss, his very first reaction was a loud sigh, followed by: “And I suppose you’ll be wanting time off…PERFECT.”
5 tags
Please fire me. I dry heave into the teacher’s lounge toilet every morning before school starts.
5 tags
Please fire me. I share an office with a man who randomly drops and does 100 push-ups, then proceeds to tell us, in extreme anatomical detail, about his latest round of sex with the most recent girl he has slept with—all the while flexing his muscles and stroking his mustache in the mirror next to his desk.
4 tags
Please fire me. I’m sick of you watching POV pornography all day long. You are a douchebag.
5 tags
While most of us do the jobs of four or five people, our boss makes close to $100k a year, has a company car, and works 15-20 hours a week. Did I mention we work for a non-profit organization?
4 tags
Please fire me. I failed to open my boss’s door today, and as punishment after doing it himself, he threw the key at me and stormed off.
3 tags
Please fire me. I have an extensive knowledge of women blouses and old lady tea hats. I am a 23-year-old male.
2 tags
Please fire me. When I asked my co-worker for scissors, he said I wasn’t ready for them.
4 tags
Please fire me. Unsolicited, my boss tells me each Monday about every mundane thing her eight cats did over the weekend. I hate cats.
7 tags
Please fire me. All of our work is done for cheap in India. Trying to manage people in India is like trying to manage a group of teenagers high on crack. Right when you think you’ve given clear instructions, you turn your head around and you find out someone is doing the professional equivalent of shoving their hand in a box of glass, all because you didn’t instruct them NOT to. I’m expected to be...
5 tags
Please fire me. My co-worker brought in a cake and told us to have a piece. She said she decided to make it because she needed to use the eggs that went bad.
4 tags
Please fire me. In mid phone conversation, my boss flushed.
4 tags
Please fire me. My boss dropped a three-ring binder from his desk and the contents spilled out onto the floor. Then he said, “Come in here and pick this up.” I timidly said, “…No.” He timidly asked, “…What?” Then he started to pick it up himself, and I felt bad so went in and helped him. Who is the bigger loser here — me or him?
5 tags
Please fire me. My ex-boyfriend is up for a promotion to be my boss. And last week I told him I faked it every time.
4 tags
Please fire me. The further up the chain of command you go, the worse the spelling and grammar in emails. After a certain executive level is reached, punctuation becomes optional. Unless you think your message is really important, then you add lots of punctuation, like:
where are we on this?????????????
Each question mark increases the importance of the message by a factor of 100 in their...
4 tags
Please fire me. My co-worker Bruce still calls Japanese people “Japs”.