January 2011
24 posts
2 tags
Please fire me. My boss obsessively clears his throat and hoots like an owl in a high-pitched tone. He’s not crazy, just lives alone and doesn’t realize how many noises he makes.
2 tags
Please fire me. I am sick of looking to my right and seeing my co-worker’s back and stomach. Pull down that damn hoody. And, where the hell is your undershirt? What are you wearing a baby tee? Do you need to stretch that much while you’re eating the grossest stuff on earth? I can tell you’re eating because that’s all you do—that and kick the computer.
1 tag
Please fire me. My boss speaks doesn’t speak English very well and has a hard time recognizing words beyond “hello” and “goodbye.” I’ve been forced to learn how to mime stuff like “How should I format this Excel spreadsheet?” and “My paycheck has been shorted by $250.”
2 tags
Please fire me. We were just told we won’t have bathrooms at work all this week due to some badly frozen pipes. When asked what we should do if we have to go my boss said “well you should have thought of that before you left the house this morning.”
4 tags
Please fire me. My company refuses to pay me overtime for the 77 hours I’ve done over 7 working days, contrary to California law. They circumvent this law by committing tax fraud. I work for a tax-exempt nonprofit.
6 tags
Please fire me. I get work along side my ex-fiance and the ex-friend of mine he was cheating on me with—and is now engaged to. Plus: his mom, uncle, and grandmother. My boss stares at my chest (no matter how covered) and half my staff snort coke in the bathroom; I’m tired of cleaning up after it.
5 tags
Please fire me. The principal of the high school that I tutor for asked me if I was excited to graduate. I’m 23 years old.
4 tags
Please fire me. I was just asked to describe my usage of the company health care policy for the past year. Q: Privacy? A: Nope.
4 tags
Please fire me. I interviewed for a job at the university where I trained and was told they don’t hire their own trainees—because we’re not work ready when we graduate from their program.
5 tags
Please fire me. My supervisor threatened to “F-ing kill” me—twice—and our HR Director told me “Oh, that’s just her way of showing she likes you!!”
5 tags
Please fire me. I had an affair with my married boss. Now her husband works with us. Oh and I house sat for them while they went on vacation.
5 tags
6 tags
Please fire me. After graduation I thought, “I landed the dream job!”
Now, I am left alone in an office all day to stare at the walls. I’m given no tasks to work on. I’ve been there for three months and no one has noticed I do NOTHING. I feel like I should have an existential crisis, but I don’t know how because I wasn’t a philosophy major.
3 tags
Please fire me. My boss scheduled a planning meeting for our year’s biggest event over her pre-existing yoga appointment, then when she realized, cried “it’s not fair!” and turned to face the wall; there is nothing on the wall.
3 tags
Please fire me. I am writing directions for office procedures and I was told to write them for a 6th grade reading level. I’m pretty sure that they won’t hire you if you can’t complete high school let alone the sixth grade, but okay.
1 tag
Please fire me. My boss obsessively clears his throat and hoots like an owl in a high-pitched tone. He’s not crazy, just lives alone and doesn’t realize how many noises he makes.
4 tags
Please fire me. My boss was having an extramarital affair with a woman who works for one of our biggest clients. He had me add all of the hotel bills, dinners out and jewelry he purchased with company funds to the ledger as “marketing and client relations.”
4 tags
5 tags
Please fire me. I work in a bookstore. I know my books. My boss just called me a dumbass because I disagreed with his assertion that King James, despite living centuries after the fact, wrote the Bible.
4 tags
Please fire me. I was told I don’t get a raise this year for the third year in a row. I just saw two new company cars in the parking lot and they created a new executive position. I work for a non-profit organization.
5 tags
Please fire me. After receiving a bomb threat and evacuating the premises our boss came back with a list of names (mine was one) of people who should go back in and search the premises for “suspicious items.” Then he stood back amazed at my outright refusal.
2 tags
Please fire me. My tall, large co-worker chooses to stand up and use a lint brush to collect the cat hair and profuse dandruff as soon as he gets to work. Then he likes to stand behind people and look at their computer screens when he has no work.
6 tags
Please fire me. My co-worker repeatedly looks at me and licks her lips just because we are both lesbians. Obviously she doesn’t know my dead girlfriend.
5 tags
It’s New Years Eve and I came in as a favor to my boss to do a quick four-hour shift to cover someone who is out. It’s now five hours later and my boss has disappeared. There’s a note on the door thanking me for agreeing to stay ‘til midnight explaining that she’s notified all other hospital departments to call me with any questions.