May 2011
34 posts
Please fire me. My boss just worked up a new schedule for employees to work a 35-hour week. However, her hours only added up to 34. And she’s in charge of a million dollar department.
1 tag
Please fire me. My co-worker took off her shoes the other day and asked me if her toenails needed cutting. She’s 75.
2 tags
Please fire me. My cube farm is surrounded by bigwig offices. They speak to each other via speakerphone so with the echo it sounds like we’re in Madison Square Garden.
5 tags
Please fire me. My boss had me check numbers on a sixteen page excel printout. By hand. With a pencil. She claims that human error is less than a =SUM function.
6 tags
Please fire me. A co-worker got promoted because he sells weed to the boss.
5 tags
Please fire me. Today, my boss criticized me for having too high of standards in my work. Apparently, it makes everyone else look bad.
Please fire me. I had to spend four hours at an event over the weekend just to set up and take down one display. My boss didn’t even bother to show up. I have a Master’s degree and five years’ experience.
5 tags
Please fire me. For a boss who doesn’t like me and is definitely not my friend, I found it quite awkward when she explained to me, in detail—alone in her office—about her boyfriend having his sperm frozen because he only had one testicle.
4 tags
Please fire me. My co-worker likes to tag along wherever I go, even to the bathroom. We’re both dudes.
4 tags
Please fire me. I work with the most awkward person ever. She will stand behind me quietly until I notice and stare blankly at me when I turn around.
This is how she starts every conversation.
4 tags
Please fire me. A client came in today with several thousand in cash, all covered in blood. I work in a law office; I need a new career.
6 tags
Please fire me. Our I.T. director, after saying we must change our security procedures to make passwords change more often, left his most recent email password on a Post-it in a public lab.
4 tags
WatchCongrats to our winning recruit, Daniel! Daniel please spend your $100 wisely and flip through your signed book copy at your leisure.
4 tags
Please fire me. My boss lectured to me about the rapture. She told me all the terrible things that will happen to all the non-believers left behind (like me). There will be heads stuck on the ends of poles and people will just disappear while driving, causing many traffic accidents. I felt terrorized and had to go home early.
7 tags
Please fire me. My boss can’t spell. Instead of changing the misspelled word to a suggested correction during spell check, he ADDS it to the spell check dictionary. Guess who gets to proofread all of his correspondences?
4 tags
Please fire me. The owner of my company fights every unemployment claim regardless of the circumstances. His wife is on the payroll, although she does not work. He fired her and gave himself a raise equal to her pay. She is now collecting unemployment.
4 tags
Please fire me. A man came into the bookstore today and asked for a title on the history of the penis. He asked me to show it to him and read the description on the jacket. I don’t mind so much that he was hitting on me, but if I was going to go gay I could do a lot better.
Please fire me. My 84-year old boss just asked me what an iPod is, and then asked me if he wants one.
5 tags
Two Weeks’ Notice:
Send A Video, Tell PFM Why You’re A Recruit
Recruits: Thank you for your videos so far. Please keep them coming. Webcam submissions are perfect, just as a slideshow of photos set to music are. In fact, any video explaining why you hate your job and want to be recruited is perfect.
BEST SUBMISSIONS: Win a signed copy of the book.
#1 BEST SUBMISSION: Win $100 and signed copy of...
7 tags
Please fire me. No one here has an opinion except about Mondays.
6 tags
Please fire me. I’ve never seen an empty yogurt container licked like that. Get it together, Co-worker.
6 tags
Please fire me. I’m wearing the exact same K-Mart outfit as my boss.
6 tags
Please fire me. I found a used pregnancy test laying by the toilet. (It was negative.)
8 tags
6 tags
Please fire me. My co-worker didn’t know about Osama.
5 tags
6 tags
Please fire me. I am a clerk in a major school school district—which might lead one to think that my supervisors and co-workers are educated individuals.
The other day, I was looking for a file on one of our students, but was unable to find it in the file cabinet. What I did find was a single document with a post-it note attached, stuck between two other files, which read, “I can’t find no...
5 tags
6 tags
Please my fire me. My boss made me bring back a copy of my grandfather’s death certificate because she thought I was lying to get time off at Christmas.
2 tags
Two Weeks’ Notice:
Send A Video, Tell PFM Why You’re A Recruit
Recruits, we’ve accepted you into the Revolution with open arms, but now we want to know: Are you willing to make a video of yourself talking into your computer? Do you have skills of subversion and trickery? Do you hate your life? If you did not just triple-yes those, not job- then perhaps join another revolution.
Send us...
5 tags
Please fire me. A co-worker chomps her gum with her mouth open. Also, I don’t need to hear your entire conference call. Speak softly and use your phone receiver. (No speakerphone required!)
7 tags
Two Weeks’ Notice:
Four Days Until #PleaseFireMeFriday
Our book is out. Celebrate by joining in 5/6/11 for Please Fire Me Day. Walk out after lunch and party. Tweet in your plans using the hashtag #PleaseFireMeFriday or send them in on our Tumblr or Facebook. The mission of the Please Fire Me Friday is to unite and make public the huge number of malemployed people out there and show...
4 tags
Please fire me. I am one of two females at the expensive and “well-respected” restaurant where I work. We are not permitted to use the luxurious patron bathrooms, so we use a unisex employee bathroom that constantly has a giant puddle of urine in it and a paper towel dispenser with a swastika and the word “FUCK” in huge letters drawn on it.
3 tags
Please fire me. My boss spent ten minutes berating me because Post-it discontinued the 4x4 Pop-Up Notes.