September 2011
44 posts
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Please fire me. I’m a girl so my boss feels he can criticize my hair and constantly give me fashion advice. He’s a 40-year-old bald man who dresses like a gangster.
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Please fire me. I deliver pizza. Tonight, I rang a customer’s doorbell only to find an old man wearing a t-shirt, but no pants, sitting Indian-style on the floor. He was beyond intoxicated but still conscious enough to make sure to get all his change. I had to see old-man junk and received a tip of zero dollars.
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Take This Job and Shove It | Reader's Digest →
Thanks Reader’s Digest for featuring our book Please Fire Me: Posts from the Revolting Workplace this month! Suggestion: The writer behind this gets tomorrow off.
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Please fire me. My preschoolers sneeze and cough in my face all day long and one sneezed into my mouth. I’m happy to say I’m on my death bed right know with only God knows. And I get to see them in about seven hours. JOY!
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Please fire me. I’m a 19-year-old girl. I don’t want to be an unskilled manual labourer working in a warehouse local to me for the rest of my life.
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Please fire me. I’m the only female among nine guys at work, thus I’m the only person who has to sit in order to pee. I have to wipe about 10 pubes off the seat before I go.
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Please fire me. My boss slams doors when they aren’t shut all the way, then looks at us.
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Please fire me. I had to explain to a woman if we are out of stock of an item it is not in the store for a whole 30 minutes.
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Please fire me. In August I told you I needed Wednesday afternoons off in September (because of school). And what did you do? You scheduled me every Wednesday afternoon for the month of September.
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Please fire me. An old man stabbed me with a fork when I tried to take his wife’s dirty dish. It was an empty plate. He said, “You need to make sure she is finished.”
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Please fire me. When my 60-year-old boss talks to me I can see his eyes going straight from my face to my chest.
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Please fire me. I just got yelled at by a customer for not putting a fork in his bag. He proceeded to tell me that I deserved to be mopping the floors rather than helping customers.
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Please fire me. My boss calls me some guy’s name that retired three years ago, even though I have been working there for two years.
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Please fire me. A customer just yelled at me for her ice not staying on the bottom of her cup of coffee.
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Please fire me. When I asked my boss if we could “roast” my retiring co-worker, she replied, “No, I think she likes pasta better.”
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Please fire me. I was yelled at for typing too loud.
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Please fire me. Today at work my boss chased me with a dirty feather duster trying to give me birthday spankings.
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Please fire me. My boss has the longest fingernails I’ve ever seen. My boss is a male.
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Fellow Onion contributor and Please Fire Me: Posts from the Revolting Workplace co-author Johnny McNulty and I (Jill Morris) will now be writing office-related jokes on @PleaseFireMe. Our updated Twitter slogan is now: “Hey! We’re more than just links back to Tumblr!”
Please follow PFM on Twitter.
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Please fire me. My boss uses my cubicle for storage.
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Please fire me. My boss used the words “blood everywhere” to describe his bathroom experience due to how stressed his week was.
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Please fire me. I work for a police department that lets DUIs off the hook.
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Please fire me. I have a co-worker that comes in my office to try and throw coins down my shirt.
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Please fire me. I was told to stop intimidating the front desk person because I asked her to come back from lunch on time so I can eat before 2:00 PM.
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Please fire me. My boss gave me grief for taking a personal day for jury duty. She took a whole day off to get a hair cut.
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PFM New York show! The Ultimate Office Space Party →
Hey there, party people forced to be work people! Anyone in the New York area should put this on their calendar! Please Fire Me book co-authors Jill Morris and Johnny McNulty are going to read material from the book, read your posts, and read some hilarious unused material that was TOO HOT FOR PRINT! (Or too hilariously zany, anyway) All at the world-famous Bell House for the Ultimate Office...
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Please fire me. My boss is making me train other people how to do my job to prove a point that I am replaceable.
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Please fire me. My supervisor recently asked me to stop being so proactive.
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Please fire me. The woman I share a cubicle with calls dogs “boo boo’s” and “chi chi’s”.
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Please fire me. Today a patron informed me that he thinks the average black man is a tool of the Jews.
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Please fire me. My boss wants to f*ck. I’m straight.
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Please fire me. My boss firmly believes that southern Virginia (where she’s from) should secede from the “too wild” northern Virginia.
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Please Fire Me: Posts from the Revolting Workplace
We here at PFM are going to go out on a limb and say you might have some frustrations with your job.
We love posting your complaints and generally letting you scream into our non-judgmental Internet pillow. We love it so much that we put a bunch of them together, picked a bunch of of the best, and added a whole bunch of PowerPoints about office hell, office mythology, Venn Diagrams, brain teasers...
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Please fire me. My boss made me serve a whole cheesecake which i dropped on the kitchen floor.
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Please fire me. My boss is my boyfriend. He makes work a nightmare because he knows that’s the only place he wears the pants.
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Please fire me. My 70 year-old, 300-lb female boss just texted me asking what kind of underwear I wear.
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Please fire me. My boss called me in on my sick day and yelled at me when I threw up on the carpet.
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Please fire me. I work at a factory, doing the same action for 12 hours a day. Last week my boss told me that if he was doing my job, he would consider killing himself.
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Please fire me. Over the past three days, I’ve worked 30 hours, and will only be paid for nine of them. I love the automotive industry!
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Please fire me. My boss scratches the dates off of expired milk and fruit containers and makes me serve it to customers.
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Please fire me. For busy work yesterday, I was assigned hand washing a full box of ketchup packets.