The PFM Book

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Please fire me. I work as a massage therapist at a small clinic. I have a small case of vertigo. I told the office manager, who was also a massage therapist at one point, that my vertigo was bothering me. She asked me, “What is that?”

Please fire me. Everyone else in the office got a new computer except for me even though mine crashes and blue screens multiple times daily. The reason: I don’t need a fully functioning computer. My job: social media marketing and website management. 

Please fire me. I’m stuck here in jury duty and it’s like prison with its institutionalized boredom. But I still like it better than being at work.

Please fire me. My boss likes beastiality. My boss tried to have sex with a cat. We found the tapes on the computer.

Please fire me. My manager told me not give an old woman her money back. I went to tell this woman, and she became very upset. My manager walks out and says to me, “She can have her money back, why did you not give it to her?”

Please fire me. After 10 years paying my dues in the industry, I had my interview for my first executive chef position. The owner opened with “I can hire anyone off the street to be a chef, even a bum.”

Please fire me. I have a coworker that claims he got shot in the chest four times but there are magically no scars…and he’s still alive to blast Disney’s “Let it Go” in the mornings and sing along to it. Gangsta!

Please fire me. I’m a personal assistant, my boss is going on vacation for a week. She hasn’t even gotten on the plane yet and I have 67 unread text messages and three emails from her. 

Please fire me. My coworker who is in her twenties had her mom call her in sick. I later found out she was hungover. Her mom called her in hungover.

Please fire me. Today a patron complained about me because I told her kid to stop running. I work at an outdoor pool and my boss threatened to fire me if it happened again.