Please fire me. Our receptionist, who has worked here for less than two weeks, randomly started telling me her vagina is too small.

Please fire me. Everything I write for clients comes back with one of the following comments: “Too smart. Please dumb down.” Or, “Too funny. Please make this more boring.”

Please fire me. My life consists of never ending updates to my project to please whichever of my bosses feel they are the alpha dog that day.

Please fire me.  I am a television news photographer, and I just taped a county commission meeting where our commissioner said the non-word “contructioning” three times in two sentences.  Sir, the word you’re looking for is construction.

Please fire me. My boss clips his finger nails at his desk.  We share a desk.

Please fire me. I work at a church for a “pastor” who is very arrogant and has said that he is the “owner” of the church.

While teaching forgiveness, he got into a row with someone. His entire family is on the payroll. The church gives him two new cars (with insurance) every four years. He uses a church credit card to pay for restaurant meals, plane flights and entertainment. He once used money donated for a natural disaster on himself.

He is worshiped as a celebrity by the congregation and smiles and hugs them all, then talks smack about them in staff meetings.

It makes me want to puke to hear him preach.

Please fire me. My boss told me “I want you to take over as head engineer when I retire”. He is 38 years old and I am 36. Um, ok.

Please fire me.

I sent my boss an email saying “When do you think you’ll make it so I can give them a heads up?”

His response? “yes”

Please fire me. My former receptionist put her nasty fake tooth on the front counter in front of patients while she lip-smackingly ate pancakes and Stromboli at the desk. Every day. After the meal, she would suck a big loogie back in her nose and swallow it. Every day.

Her replacement randomly tucks his pant legs into his socks, uses the phrase “Well, aren’t you the bomb-diggity?” and screeches “WAAAAZZZZUUUP!” You got it: every day.

Please fire me. My boss (and Facebook “friend”) asked me to resolve an issue that he’s too tied up to address, and within ten minutes has posted some “Truly phenomenal” Stevie Ray Vaughn footage and become a fan of avocados. As if I wouldn’t notice.